So I’ve decided to take up on writing as a short hobby and came up with a short horror story. Though this isn’t the final version, and there’s A LOT of things that need tweaking, I present my first draft for a short horror story I wrote. As always, feedback is always appreciated.
Obligatory introduction: A young couple spends a night on a secluded lake which leads to their engagement, but little do they know of what resides at the bottom of the lake.
"The universe is one big joke, and the joke is on us"
Overall, I think you have an interesting premise and solid foundation for this story but you need to “show, not tell”.
I feel taken out of the story and can’t really get a feel for the characters because you quickly summarize the plot and don’t let the reader really sink into the atmosphere/setting. Everything feels rushed. And I really want to get to know Seth and Genova more (especially Seth because he seems like a nerdy guy with great “stamina” lol).
For example, during the proposal scene, provide some character interaction dialogue. Describe Genova’s elated emotions and Seth’s possible nervousness during this big event. When they retire to their quarters for “alone time”, provide some suggestive/flirtatious dialogue as they get into bed together. Unless you really want to, you don’t have to go into detail into the love scene or just jump to the next scene with a good transition. Good sex is hard to write sometimes and less detail is better if its not necessary.
Afterwards, the story picks up because off all the action but I think you can provide more detail about the creatures and violence. Show the readers her fear of the horrifying spectacle of the crew being attacked and devoured before her eyes.
A little example:
Genova’s heart raced as he peeked though the tiny keyhole, viewing the carnage from a safe distance. Or what she thought was safe.
Or the pain she suffers from her injuries.
The blistering fever coupled with dehydration and hunger made her delirious as days passed into nights.
You could shift perspective to the fisherman when he finds Genova in such a state. Imagine his shock in finding an sick, injured woman on the lake.
Probably a nitpick but spell out numbers (that’s just my inner English critic coming out, sorry).
These are just some considerations for your second draft that I think will make the story richer, fuller, and more effective as a horror story. I hope they are helpful.
Get to work, mister! I really want to read that next draft! 😀
Rabid ecstasy, 1997
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